Thoughts at the 1yr Anniversary of learning that I'm not just "the box of assorted crackers" from the meme.

Monday, December 16th, 2024: It was one year ago today that I received my DNA results, and learned to my "shocked delight" that I am a far more complex and nuanced pile of flesh than I had ever imagined...or ever dreamed!

In addition to affirming all the European sub-variants that I've always known about, including pretty much all of greater Britain (including Irish, Scottish, and Welsh), Norwegian, Swedish, and small amounts of German and French, as well as revealing a few European sub-variants which I didn't previously know about, such as Dutch, Icelandic, Finnish, Spanish, and Portuguese, I learned that I possess really small amounts of West (i.e. Sub-Saharan) African, North (i.e. Saharan) African - including a little Coptic Egyptian, and the one that blew me away the most....Ashkenazi Jewish!

To my tremendous delight, and even a little relief, it turns out that I am not simply "the box of assorted crackers" from the meme that I always thought I was, and which I had largely resigned myself to being, but am instead....as one wonderful stranger walking with me on the the way into the Renaissance Fair earlier this year put it - "trail mix"! That settles it, gang! I'm "Trail Mix!" Since I seem to be all but completely incapable of communicating any kind of thought more advanced than "we're out of cheerios" or "hey, put that down" outside of either writing a novel about it (like this, my debut blog post), or at least appealing to analogy or metaphor, my metaphor for this experience has been "through sheer obliviousness, I've been 'running white gentile software on black Jewish hardware' unawares, and am now seeking the requisite 'software updates'"!

Now, to be sure, just as the DNA results only added to my understanding of self, and were completely non-subtractive, the appropriate software updates would also need to be "additive", rather than "subractive" as well. The only "software" I would want to have "deleted" through this process would be the "malware" of any lingering prejudices and biases and bigotry which I might have held onto unconsciously. I'm still John, the quirky, dorky, neon beige nerd, who hypergeeks weird things, and can't communicate advanced thoughts outside of novels or esoteric metaphors. I'm still the same guy you've known and loved, or liked, or at least begrudgingly tolerated this whole time - with the same dizzying array of "obnoxious charms". I mean, it's not like what I've always known of myself is suddenly not a part of me anymore, right? Indeed, just British, Norwegian, and Swedish all by themselves still make up something like 80-90% of me. I've lost nothing. Only gained something....well, I suppose that all I've -REALLY- gained has been an awareness and understanding of the presence of things I've always possessed, but never realized.

And to be clear: I am at this moment in time still culturally white Midwestern gentile. I am not religiously Jewish, and do not find conversion ("or mikveh", as I believe it's called) to be imminently likely, nor have I any experience at all with either the negative aspects of the black or Jewish or Egyptian experiences by way of the prejudice, persecution, bigotry, bias, othering, or mariginalization that these groups experience on a daily basis - nor the positive aspects of the experience by way of having had the privilege of experiencing the richness of the culture or community or history, or the sense of brotherhood in the collective identity or oneness of the same. I was spared the pain and fear and indignities of these things at the expense of also being deprived of the richness and the bounty and the beauty and the value of the substance of these things. Simultaneously benefited and harmed by my "presumed whiteness", simultaneously sheltered....and robbed. So, culturally, I remain, for all intents and purposes - at least for the meanwhile - none of these things. My "black and Jewish and Egyptian 'hard drives'" remain almost entirely blank at the moment, simply because I had been completely unaware until so very recently that these hard drives even existed in the first place. I came up in the bland safety and entitlement of the beige, in the chillingly warm embrace of cream of wheat. Not that my childhood wasn't happy and enriching in its own right, nor was it without its own pains and indignities and persecutions for my being an undiagnosed Autistic and ADHDer in the 80's and 90's (or "AuDHDer" as per the unofficial but ubiquitous colloquialism) as well as our having grown up poor. But while we may have suffered a little under the cruelties of classism, and I under the cruelties of ableism, we never suffered under the additional cruelties of racism or religious persecution having also grown up nominally Christian in a nominally Christian society. All in all, I look back on my childhood fondly - even if now I know that I missed out on the chance for so much more (both good and bad). All the same, that "cream of wheat" upbringing is still what dominates my "software" today - which is why I'm now looking for the requisite [additive rather than subtractive] software updates. I want my software to match my hardware. I want there to be "drivers and firmware" for ALL my components, not just the ones that stand out. It's time for me to start filling up those newfound hard drives.

Now, it very much occurs to me in light of the looming state of affairs that appear to be about to descend like a dark cloud upon us and our nation and our culture that being out and open about these aspects of myself like this (as well as being out and open about my heteroflexible sexual orientation) could bring a certain measure of suffering or hurdles upon myself and my family that wouldn't occur if I just kept my mouth shut and my head down and simply kept passing myself off as "just another white dude with a wife". But not only would that be a tremendous disservice to my brethren who can't also "hide in plain sight" like I can, but it would also be incredibly unfair to myself by being untrue to myself and cutting myself off from aspects of myself - especially when these are aspects of self in which I revel. Being open like this might finally expose me to the pains and indignities and roadblocks of racism and religious persecution, which I do sincerely fear a little, and which I do not exactly look forward to....but it also finally exposes me to that richness and substance and community which I've always lacked. And that alone might make it all worth it. Both things put stuff on those blank hard drives, after all. I did ask my wife and my teenager what they thought since they might also suffer because of me, and their responses were each enthusiastic support and encouragement to be bravely, boldly....me. So I count myself very blessed to have their support.

So, getting down to brass tacks: what (if anything) has changed from a year ago today when I first received this information in terms of my perspective and outlook? Well, these have been the changes:

1) I had initially felt that - while amazing, and delightful, these ethnic discoveries made in December of 2023 were going to pale in terms of the intensity of the impact they'd have to my life and my sense of self compared to the Autism and ADHD diagnoses I had received just a little prior in September of 2023. I now view the two about equally. They both blew wide open and dramatically rewrote my sense of self, my sense of the world, and my sense of place in it. They both loom massive in the newfound joy in my sense of self, sense of being, and sense of my place in space. To illustrate just how special and important these ethnic discoveries have become for me over the past year, allow me to detour into a brief treatise on just how impactful my Autism diagnosis was for me: when I first received my autism diagnosis at age 43, I stood in equal parts joy and stunned silence - in awe. This was the missing piece that made sense of all the things which never made sense before in my life. The autistic community at large tend to shy away from the symbology of the puzzle piece because of its associations with organizations like "Autism Speaks", which sees us as something to cure rather than something to celebrate - failing to realize that the act of "curing" us would also mean to "erase" us, as we would no longer be the people we always have been, but would become something, and even someone else. But when divorced of its association with such organizations, when we change the narrative of the symbology from "looking for the missing piece to cure / erase autism" to "autism itself is the missing puzzle piece that completes the picture of our perplexing, frustrating, scary lives", the symbology becomes something which I, as a late-diagnosed individual deeply resonate with and cherish - as I suspect would be true of many or even most (or maybe even all) of my fellow late-diagnosed individuals.

There was a tinge of sadness at the pain I suffered devoid of understanding or meaning or purpose, and at the loss of opportunities had I found out sooner. But it was as a teaspoon of vinegar in a gallon of the crisp, crisp lemonade of the joy and relief of finally understanding. It was as if a long quest was finally over. There was self-compassion, there was self-forgiveness, there was self-love. I literally cried a little when - speaking of myself - I said "this means I can finally stop being mean to that weird kid now" - because I finally saw him. I finally "got" him. I finally understood him. Child of the Spectrum, you wonderful weirdo, you. Rest now. You are seen. You are understood. And you are loved. And that understanding and the underlying sense of teleology that accompanies it is so massive that the way I like to put it is "even the things that don't change one bit....change completely". Because they are cast in light now, rather than in shadow, and even that alone is huge. And I've come to feel very similarly about my ethnic discoveries as well.

2) By this point in the blog, this may already be apparent, but I have found myself leaning much more heavily and wholeheartedly into these aspects of my identity than I had initially envisioned that I would with as very small a piece of the pie chart of me as they are. Allow me to elaborate:

Though my instant reaction to the news was joyful acceptance, I was not sure at first whether I should adopt these as "identities", per se. You know, the whole question of "is it that I AM Jewish or is it that I simply HAVE Jewish"? "Is it that I AM black or is it that I simply HAVE black"? "Is it that I AM Egyptian, or is it simply that I HAVE Egyptian?" I didn't know if I should "lean into these identities", especially when they were so very small - less than 1% for each (and only barely more than 1% when all combined). You know, should someone as neon beige and dorky as me go around calling myself "black" or "Egyptian"? Would that be hurtful to my fellow POC? Would that minimize and trivialize and cheapen the experiences of their lives? Or less importantly, would it simply get me laughed out of the room? Or should I go around calling myself "Jewish" when I do not [at least yet] subscribe to their religious views (even if I am starting to study them just a little) and have not come up in that culture, barely knowing what a kugel is, let alone having ever tried one? Would it cheapen and tokenize their experiences as well to say I'm one of them? At least with Jewish, I don't look so blatantly "non", right? No one would look at me sidelong if I said I was Jewish. But does that really matter? One thing I thought of very quickly after getting my results was the Family Guy episode where Peter Griffin learned he was black and immediately went around calling himself "Kishwa Kembo" (and insisting other people call him that as well), not caring at all about his newfound brethren or the struggles of the community he suddenly found himself a part of, but only looking for ways he could benefit and gain from the discovery - absolutely tokenizing and trivializing the entire experience for his own selfishness. And so I resolved not to become a Kishwa Kembo of my own by just cheaply taking these new mantles upon myself and prancing around in them like playthings. Therefore, before I allowed myself to identify as any of these, I felt that I should first consult with the sources themselves to get their perspective. So, I reached out to a number of Jewish and/or black friends to feel them out and see what they had to say on the matter - basically "let the Jewish people tell me whether or not I'm Jewish" and "let the black people tell me whether or not I'm black" and "let the Egyptian people tell me whether or not I'm Egyptian"..... .......and so I did......and a REALLY curious pattern emerged almost immediately:

On the one hand, my Jewish and Black friends, more or less down-to-the-individual have treated me as one of their own immediately, including (but not limited to) the black man who assured me "you have the same blood running through your veins as I have running through mine" or even simply a full-throated "yeahhh!" from another black man, followed by a robust fist bump, or links to Temple service livestreams, and occasional check ins on my journey by a Jewish friend, or another Jewish friend insisting on paying for my coffee and my movie tickets, offering to make me latkes, matzah ball soup, read me the prayers in Hebrew as I celebrate my first Hanukkah, or braid challah together, or the black lady who frequently asks me how my journey is going and listens intently and offers encouragement and joy as I tell her about it.....or even just the black lady who simply replied "that's what's up!" and said nothing more. I only know one Egyptian person, and while I haven't been able to ask him the question point blank, I think I can read between the lines as he sends me recipes for Egyptian food.

On the other hand, it has instead been my white and/or gentile friends who have been the ones [unsolicited , I might add!] to raise protests of "you're not Jewish enough to be Jewish" or "you're not black enough to be black" or "you're not Egyptian enough to be Egyptian". It's only been the non-black, non-Jewish, non-Egyptian friends who have tried to "gatekeep" me out of these camps, while the ones who actually live within those camps have been incredibly welcoming and supportive of me. I find this phenomenon simply fascinating, and what this implies of entitlement, endemic (albeit usually subconscious) prejudices and the tiered senses of personal value that come with them are not lost on me.

Therefore, I would offer this question up as my challenge to my non-black, non-Jewish, non-Egyptian friends who feel the impulse [once again, notably unsolicited] to try to "talk me back into white gentileness" (besides to question why they might find themselves feeling such an impulse to begin with): when it comes to the question of "Jewishness" or "Blackness" or "Egyptian...ness", why on earth would I consider the voice of a non-Jew or a non-Black or a non-Egyptian as MORE authoritative, MORE binding, and MORE valuable than that of a black person or a Jew or an Egyptian? This strikes me as akin to regarding the voice of the baker as more authoritative than the voice of the mechanic on the matter of brake pads, or like regarding the voice of the mechanic as more authoritative than the voice of the baker on the matter of dinner rolls". Where is their jurisdiction? Where is their expertise? Wouldn't a Jewish person be the resident expert on what counts as Jewish? Or wouldn't a black person be the authority on what it means to be black? Or wouldn't an Egyptian be the definitive guide on what makes one Egyptian?

So if you're non-black, or non-Jewish, or non-Egyptian, you're gonna have to offer me something, like, just -insanely- compelling to get me to listen to your "no" over against their "yes" when the subject matter at hand is "the question of them-ness". So far, no one has had anything for me even remotely approaching that. And I don't suspect anyone ever will. And I suppose, unless or until that happens, I can revel in 2023 being - not the year where I -BECAME- a Black Egyptian Autistic Jew....but the year where I -DISCOVERED- that that's what I've been....all along.

The line from the song "Always Been but Never Dreamed" from the game Tetris Effect: Connected, composed by Hydelic, with vocals by Kate Brady (who now goes by "Sounds like Kathleen" or simply "Kathleen") which says "Come follow me. I'll show you the side of yourself, the person who you've always been - but never dreamed", as well as the line "what could you be afraid of if I'm right here with you? You know everything will change" have become incredibly precious and meaningful and powerful lines to me. And I shall indeed heed Kathleen's call of yet another line from the song: "come follow me, come follow me!" Actually, I can tell you how the moment felt for me: it felt like learning that I was adopted and had all these new truths about myself to discover and explore. More directly, it was like the scene from Spaceballs where Lonestar discovers that he's a prince. That's how I felt....like I'd discovered that I was a prince. And you know what? I suppose that I am! Child of Abraham. Child of the motherland, Africa. Child of the Spectrum....Child of Weirdness....Child of Nerdiness....Child of the 80's.....Child of the US Midwest....and yes....Child of Europe..... you wonderful, fantastically colorful weirdo, you! Rest now! You are seen. You are understood. And you are loved. Happy anniversary!

Cheers!

-St. John

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A picture of me at the wife's 2023 company holiday party [above] - mere days before receiving my DNA results (this me knew he was autistic, but didn't know the rest), and a picture of me at the wife's 2024 company holiday party [below] two days before the 1yr anniversary with a much fuller picture of self! Yes, I was wearing the same hat and sweater and glasses in both pics, and yes, I was deliberately trying to recreate the original pose. I do think I like the 2023 picture better, though. :-)

LINKS: Always Been, but Never Dreamed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZxZIkpUdP0

Kathleen on YouTube: https://youtube.com/@soundslikekathleen?si=XsoNUOEz9U-1FSoC

Lonestar discovering he was a prince: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lpux6ajH1I4

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BONUS THOUGHTS:

----------- 1) One last group that I developed a sense of enhanced connection with through all of this has been the greater Muslim community. Not that I have any intent of converting, but with my Saharan (North African) heritage in particular, it is highly likely that at least a few of my ancestors were Muslim. Since Islam is a religious group like Christianity rather than an ethnoreligious group like Jewish, I don't feel the same kind of connectivity - like I don't feel like there is "blood" between us, like I do with the Jewish community. But I do feel there is likely history. So, I feel at least a faint bond with you too. And in addition to the little spark of delight this brings me and interest to explore, it also brings me a measure of sadness as I think of all the history of violence and bloodshed, and hate and oppression over the centuries between Muslims, Jews, and Christians - going every which direction, and realizing that I have at least some trivial level of tie to all three of them. It's even possible that one ancestor of mine might have persecuted, or abused, or took advantage of another. I feel that possibility, and it pains me. Tangentially related to this: I went over to my parent's house one day and dad was watching the story of Moses and the exodus and it hit me very differently than it ever had before....now realizing that I have history on both sides of the conflict.

----------- 2) Do I wish I had found out when I was a kid? Yes! It would've added so many layers to my existence having known all of this. It would've increased the hardships and pains as well, but at the payout of richness and community and identity. By contrast, I actually am glad I did not find out about AuDHD as a kid. Why? We were so rudimentary and backwards in our understandings of Autism and ADHD back in the 80's and 90's that if we had found out about me back then, it might've only further stigmatized me and limited me. Make no mistake, I floundered terribly out in the general population as an undiagnosed AuDHDer. But I think I was less stigmatized and had my future far less "flattened" by my foundering out in gen pop than I might've had I been cordoned off to the Special Ed programs of the day and written off, internalizing the persistent messaging that I'd never amount to anything. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved to have found out sooner than I did....just not THAT soon! Ideally, I would've wanted to find out in my early 20's, after I was married and out of mom and dad's house, but before I really got anywhere in my journeys of adult life. I would've made so many different decisions than I made had I known then what I know now, and my life would probably have taken a meaningfully different trajectory. I'd like to think that it'd still be with Jodee in both versions, and with the kids. But I can see most everything else being different. Some better, some worse, but all more appropriate to who and what I truly am, and I think that on balance, I'd probably have been happier in that alternate universe where I learned earlier and was able to get started down this road earlier. For all the things that have changed for the worse (or just for the "different") over the years, our understanding and appreciation of Autism and ADHD, both in the medical community, as well as just in society in general is VASTLY improved, and whereas my knowing early might not have been beneficial, or even safe for ME, my kids found out early, and THEY are both DEEPLY benefited by the knowing early and I'm very happy for them about this...and maybe a tiny bit jealous! ;-)

----------- 3) Are there any ethnicities which I do not possess, but kind of wish I did. Well, sure. I would've loved to have found that I possessed some kind of Asian ethnicity - particularly, but not exclusively Japanese. And I would've loved to have learned that I possessed some Greek ancestry, or Italian, or some Native American, each rich with beautiful, magnificent history and culture. But alas, none such were found. Although, if it had found too many and too far flung a collection of things, it might've aroused suspicion as to the authenticity of the findings. The things that were found make sense in light of each other. And besides, before I found any of this out, had someone asked me "okay, we can find any two ethnic surprises in your DNA...what would you want them to be?", Black and Jewish would've been my two picks anyway - especially Jewish. Hence why I suspect that I felt such intense delight at the discovery of these things in particular - because they were the very things I'd always hoped that I'd someday find. It seems a little fantastical and implausible...even hokey to postulate something along the lines of "perhaps somewhere deep down I always knew"...but hey, I guess you never know. And the discovery of Egyptian is just so rad, so I'm quite glad to have it too.

Though none of the European discoveries hit me with the same impact or intensity of joy as the African (including Egyptian) and Jewish discoveries, since naturally, I always knew I was European, I nevertheless found some measure of delight at Finnish, Icelandic, Spanish, Portuguese, and Dutch as well - and of these, perhaps Dutch the most. I can speak A2 or maybe B1-level Spanish (American Spanish as opposed to European Spanish), and have studied a little Dutch as well. One of my co-worker friends is also Dutch, but "for real Dutch", as in he comes from Holland, speaks fluent Dutch and has the most amazing accent, and so now I can feel a small degree of connection and relation to him through this as well as through my incredibly limited use of the language. :-)

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[ARTICLE EXTENSIVELY EDITED 12/17/2024]